The lost Gospel of the Gun: An Important Message from GOP Jesus

Republican Jesus spoke to me last night, and he had an important message.

He told me:

We’ll all be safer if we buy at least 2 guns each.

You need one for both hips and to be extra safe on both ankles.

Also, always always have at least one hand on the trigger at all times so you can be ready.

Keep it loaded.

Make sure the safety is off, so you can be prepared just in case you need to blast a bad guy with a gun. You’re the good guy with a gun.

GOP Jesus said if we all have our hands on the trigger–ideally two triggers–there won’t be any crime.

This is a foolproof plan. Nothing could go wrong.

GOP Jesus told me to tell you this and spread the Word.

And the Word is good.

Republican Jesus also told me this is the Gospel of the Gun. He told me the Romans hid this Gospel. And if he had a gun–or two or four if he wanted them on his ankles–he could’ve blasted Pontius Pilate back to the Bronze Age.

So yeah, go out, get at least two guns–I really recommend four–and get those trigger-fingers ready for action.

Amen.